Am I What I am?

Today was a special day; yeah actually I call it so albeit it was screwed. After a long dry spell of outings, not as in outings to bars or pubs with friends where I usually get sloshed, I had a day out. I went out on a date. Though the girl was already a “friend” (read it as : that’s what every girl gives name to almost any relationship). I hoped or actually a better word would be “wanted” to add something more to that friendship.

It was decided to meet at 3.30pm in a café coffee day (CCD). So I was really excited and felt I accomplished a Herculean task of getting a date for myself. It indeed was a task because it involved lots of coaxing to convince her, counter arguments and statements had to be precise and articulate. You never know what a girl wants. (Actually I don’t think that they themselves know what they really want in life. :)

I had a beauty bath (Hehehehe) and then asked my friend for his bike. (I had to showoff right, and neways You should never go on a date without a bike…else you may be asked to go back to pavillion even before you step on the crease to bat)

I reach there well in time and took the corner seat facing the TV. After all they were showing CHELSEA Vs LIVERPOOL. So before she came I occupied the perfect seat for myself. I ordered mocha for myself and waited for her. I was happy for a while that she hadn’t come since I got chance to watch a nerve tight match.

Okay I should talk about date first and not about the match probably.

It was 4.30, she still hadn’t reached. The match also got over. I was as it is pissed that Liverpool had lost and also was getting bugged waiting for her. I decided to give her and myself 5 more minutes after which I would walk away. (I wish I did that actually hehehe) But to my luck (at that point I dint know it was my good luck or other wise.) she came. And hmmm she was looking beautiful. At that point all my irritation vanished and I was blown with her looks.

Now I feel it was the added dose of make up which gave her a face lift. Ha ha ha ha (evil laugh)

We started talking. (It was more of a monologue than a dialogue or a conversation) I had to agree to what ever she had to say and dare not contradict her. I had to listen to strangest of women thoughts about relationships and about life. Strangely there was not even a single thought that matched. I was getting irritated now.

I started cursing myself for asking her out. I felt the whole situation as a play enactment of book “Men are form Mars and women are from Venus” by John Gray. I could actually correlate each line by line.

But obviously I had to continue nodding my head in approval as well as appreciate her thoughts and ideas. (Just to score some points in my favor). So after a pretty long time when I could no longer take it, and thankfully to my relief she only expressed her desire to go as she was getting late. After she left I was sitting and wondering “What do I want, do I really want a relationship or I just want a person to fill the void in my life but at the same time not getting into a relationship.”

I dont know myself. I confused myself by asking this question. There was this battle going on between my heart and brain. I was irritated because I was doing so many things that I dint wanted to, neither my mind was ordering me not to nor was my heart wanting to do those actions but it was just to make her feel comforted and satisfied. There comes a lot of times when a girl expects you to act in a certain way which you catch (quite an exceptional case) but you don’t want to do it because of umpteen reasons but you still do it. That time you feel like an idiot and that is the time you have this unsettling feeling which is so hard to describe. It is not as if I am forced to do those but It happens in flow of the situation.

It is like "You have to throw away your self-respect, dignity and ego in love just to keep the ship afloat." - Shantaram. This might be a reason why I was apprehensive about getting into a relationship.

I really wondered what inspired me to plan this date and do all those acts. wowwww...!!

And I am still contemplating “what I really want and Am I what I really am”

PS:All the characters and story is fictious. There is no resemblence and in an unlikely event even if it does resemble then it is purely coincidental. :)